When speaking to you the wall around my heart falls down but when I am not with you I think about you and everything turns stone cold..Why?

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart And try to love the questions themselves
Rainer Maria Rilke

Angel of Mine..Stay With Me
Angle of Mine..You Are Dear To My Heart
Angel of Mine..Please Never Leave Me

..at times I often find myself smiling for a reason I don't know..
..then I realized I am thinking of you..

Baby, I don't want to cry anymore,
I just want to be with you,
Ever since the day I met you,
My life hasn't been the same without you,
Baby if I could be with you forever,
I'd give anything for it to happen,
I'm going crazy not knowing what to do,
Because all I want to do is be with you,
If I could just let you know,
Baby I just got to let you know,
I feel weak without you,
You and me,
We can be.

I think I am ready to take it to the next level..
Goodbye to us,
I have made my decision and only I can say now is goodbye,
As friends we must remain wit nothing moer and nothing less,
I got to thinking and all we can have is just a friendship because our love has faded.

___you know who that is to so do I really need to say more___

To speak is like giving hints to who I am,
To walk is like showing my courage,
To run shows my energy,
To sleep is like my silence.

To yell is like a headache,
To sit shows my patience,
To listen is like feeling the wind blow,
To feel is like falling from a mountain.

Take a hold of me as I am fixing to slip,
You are all I need at this moment,
So it up to you,
Shall I live or die,
Please hurry,
I am slipping fast.

**by me*12/28/04**

 Everytime I write my poetry or in this blog or where ever all I write about is Malachai. For a reason I don't know why. I wish there was a cure for this. I am just so confused on everything about him. I can't talk to him because I don't think he will understand. To those who often read my blog and those who don't I am sorry I am writing about him once again. I odn;t know why everytime I write it must be about him. What does that mean? I don't understand and I wish I did.

 Everytime he calls he sometimes always asks me to go hang out with him and I wish so deeply I could. I hate how I have to listen to my dad. He is the reason why I can never do anything with him. I hate it when I say No to him because I feel like I am passing up something I was meant to go and do. I want to talk to my dad about this and put my opinion out there like always but I am scared it might make it worse.

 You know what I hate and I get it all the time. I alk to a friend on what I should do because I am so confused and the first thing that comes out of their mouth is that he likes you. I don; tknow if he does but for some reason people tell me that. Some okay well a lot of my friedns are around me ususally when I see you or talk to you especialyl Loren. They said and she said you do and I asked her why and they said they can tell and that the way he looks at me and talks to me and stuff. I am so confused. You know everybody seems to notice it but me. I don; tunderstand but oh well.

 I cry myself to sleep every night thinking what I did I would disapoint you and I not sure why. Malachai is my motivation for so many things and if I fail I feel like I did failed him. Why? Wy do I feel like that? Man I hate this feeling. If anyone can help me please comment or something because I am so confused.

Its hard not to love you because everytime I am sure I want to move on you bring me back out of the blue,
Its hard to pretend your not there because I love being with you,
Its hard not to look at you because you are like a bright star in my sky,
Its hard to ignore you because I love to talk to you,
I try to tell myself that I need to move on and I know I need to but it is just way to hard to let go,
If only you could see,
If only you understood.

**dedicated**to someone I hold very close to my heart**

 Well it didn't take long for me to come back..I couldn't stay away but anyways..For a whie now I have slipped back into my depression and right now it just depression and I am doing everything my counselor once said (when I went to counseling) to me about suicide. I know and yes I wanted to commit suicide and that wasn't to long ago. I am just depressed and doing everything I can possibly remember to do. So don't worry about me I am just letting you know why I have been acting wierd lately if you noticed.

You might call me emotional but I am just a person who shows or hides or whatever..their emotions. I show it differently than others and that is who I am. Everyone does what they do to handle them. So if you call me emotional than all I have to say is thanks..I glad to hear your opinion.

Liana this is the only time and last time I will write about you or to you or whatever. So please read and hopefully you wil understand a little where I am kind of soming from. Okay so you say you want to talk to me and come to an ''agreement''..what the hell do you mean by an ''agreement''? and also if you wanted to talk so bad then why don't you do anything to confront me. You never know..I could listen or just blow you off but at least you tried and maybe didn't succeed but you tried. There is more but that is all I need to say. That is all I want to say. That will have to do for you.

For the commenter *for whom I know who it is* that leaves all those mean comments..please stop and you aren't really hurting me or getting to me because if you call my website gay then why do you come to it and comment in it and read it. If you are so big and bad then why don't you come to me and confront it. I not annderstanding why you do it and I jsut don't know what I did to you but please stop. You don't hurt me and you ever will so I ask you nicely to please stop? Please?

Okay so that is all I have for you right now but as I think day by day I will have more and keep you posted. Thank you for reading.

When I'm alone all I do is cry,
Its hard not to cry in public especially at school,
But most of all I cry when I see you,
Do you know how hard it is to put on a fake smile everyday?
Do you know how much pressure I have to maintain who I am and what I do?

Could we ever be?

Is there a chance for us to be as friends?
Or has everything already vanished?

My heart will always love you no matter how we end up!

With every beat of my heart,
Everything belongs to you.

Everything is in your hands now so make you move!

All I needed you to do was be there!

Take what you got in front of you because it could disappear before you know it..

This is my end..as my blog will come to a close for a long while.

I see our stars tonight
Do you recall that light
Or do you ever think of me
And in your world somewhere
Do memories rip and tear
The ones that always keep you hanging on
To all that might have been

And I love you now
And I hate you now
And I miss you most of all
All those times we laughed
The scars that you left
Still i miss you most of all

And by the water's side
The tall grass where we lied
The nights we cried ourselves to sleep
Most Septembers now
I break down somehow
Remembering all we said
And all those dreams we never got to see

And I love you now
And I hate you now
And I miss you most of all
And did you ever find
A star in your mind
Or do you miss me most of all

Are you somewhere
Without a care
Or are you as alone as I
Did you ever make it home

And I love you now
And I hate you now
And I miss you most of all
And did you ever find
A star in your mind
Or do you miss me most of all

..song by Fuel 'Most of All'..on my way back home from North Carolina from my brothers apartment I just started listeniung to all my old CD's and this song stuck out..everyone already knows who it is dedicated to..so do I really need to say..

..to give you another chance is a road I am ready to take..

I am at a crossroad..one way is to ignore you and never talk to you again or to give you a chance to seize and finally sit and talk to me like you have been wanting to do..I am ready to take both but the questoin is..are you ready? and will you choose for me?..

-My Zodiac Sign-Cancer-

Your positive traits:

You're intuitive enough to know what's going wrong in a relationship early on

A total sweetheart - you're often the most caring person anyone knows

You are a generous and devoted parter to whoever you fall in love with

Your negative traits:

Insecurity - you tend to need a huge amount of comforting from your partner

You tend to be overly sensitive and easily hurt, which make loving you difficult

It's difficult to predict your moods. One minute you're up - the next you're down.

Your ideal partner:

Someone equally sensitive, who wants to take time to get to know you deeply

Dreams of an everlasting love - complete with marriage and a family

Loves to take care of you. Being a good cook and masseuse doesn't hurt!

Your dating style:

Slow. You enjoy dates that last all day, with plenty of time to talk and get to know one another.

Your seduction style:

Quite tender and loving, once you are comfortable in your relationship.

Coy. You tend to play it cool to drive your lover wild.

Orally talented - you're known as the best kisser in the zodiac.

Tips for the future:

Be a little less sensitive. Not every little mistake should hurt you.

Spend time away from your partner every so often - independence is a good thing.

Find ways to take care of yourself. You'll be happier if you put yourself first.

Best color to attract mate: Aqua

Best day for a date: Wednesday

You say you want to talk but then why don't you call or find a way to talk to me. Plus if you really want to talk to me then when ever I pull away why don't you stop me? I think I know what keeps you coming back and maybe that why I am 'giving you the cold shoulder' or not throughly talkin to you or whatever. But like I said if you really wanted to talk to me and if you really want me to give you a chance then why don't you put it into your hands and do something? I act like you aren't there because when ever I see you I look into your eyes and when I do, I see something that scares me so I just choose not look at you or give I you the cold shouler. I have given you a chance to talk..remember that day you came to my house..well you could've talked then and I felt like I was doing something wrong and I didn't understand. You know what I should have never done..is tell you how I felt about you..maybe then..just maybe then. All I can say is that if you want to talk then call me or somehow get me to talk to you. I put that in your hands now. I have given up. I am tired of waiting. Even if you have to get Loren (my best friend) to trick me into going somewhere or what ever. You know that is all you had to do but you didn't. I hope this can be somewhat of an explanation for you.

Someone told me a couple of minutes ago that maybe it is time for everything to come out and so it may be. But I will give it a try and here it goes:

..Ever since I told you how I felt, you changed..ever since you came over, you changed..I not sure why..I just confused. You have changed your opinion baout me and I can see it in your eyes. It easy to tell. You don't treat me like a person anymore..so I will do the same back. You want to be like you are to me when you know it hurts..I can do the same. I not..I can't play your games anymore..I tired of them..

..Is silence really something you should appreciate? I not sure if it is..It so hard to be silent when you speak your opinion so much..but to this one GIRL just to let you know..you can't hurt me..you can't break me..you can't make me jealous..you can never make your self happier then your misery..So please quit what you are doing because in the long run.it wil come back to haunt you..

..dedicated to everyone who is anyone..
Do you notice me out there waving?
Do you notice the signals I am giving?
Do you even notice me?
Even a little or at all?