Everytime I write my poetry or in this blog or where ever all I write about is Malachai. For a reason I don't know why. I wish there was a cure for this. I am just so confused on everything about him. I can't talk to him because I don't think he will understand. To those who often read my blog and those who don't I am sorry I am writing about him once again. I odn;t know why everytime I write it must be about him. What does that mean? I don't understand and I wish I did.

 Everytime he calls he sometimes always asks me to go hang out with him and I wish so deeply I could. I hate how I have to listen to my dad. He is the reason why I can never do anything with him. I hate it when I say No to him because I feel like I am passing up something I was meant to go and do. I want to talk to my dad about this and put my opinion out there like always but I am scared it might make it worse.

 You know what I hate and I get it all the time. I alk to a friend on what I should do because I am so confused and the first thing that comes out of their mouth is that he likes you. I don; tknow if he does but for some reason people tell me that. Some okay well a lot of my friedns are around me ususally when I see you or talk to you especialyl Loren. They said and she said you do and I asked her why and they said they can tell and that the way he looks at me and talks to me and stuff. I am so confused. You know everybody seems to notice it but me. I don; tunderstand but oh well.

 I cry myself to sleep every night thinking what I did I would disapoint you and I not sure why. Malachai is my motivation for so many things and if I fail I feel like I did failed him. Why? Wy do I feel like that? Man I hate this feeling. If anyone can help me please comment or something because I am so confused.

Its hard not to love you because everytime I am sure I want to move on you bring me back out of the blue,
Its hard to pretend your not there because I love being with you,
Its hard not to look at you because you are like a bright star in my sky,
Its hard to ignore you because I love to talk to you,
I try to tell myself that I need to move on and I know I need to but it is just way to hard to let go,
If only you could see,
If only you understood.

**dedicated**to someone I hold very close to my heart**

 Well it didn't take long for me to come back..I couldn't stay away but anyways..For a whie now I have slipped back into my depression and right now it just depression and I am doing everything my counselor once said (when I went to counseling) to me about suicide. I know and yes I wanted to commit suicide and that wasn't to long ago. I am just depressed and doing everything I can possibly remember to do. So don't worry about me I am just letting you know why I have been acting wierd lately if you noticed.

You might call me emotional but I am just a person who shows or hides or whatever..their emotions. I show it differently than others and that is who I am. Everyone does what they do to handle them. So if you call me emotional than all I have to say is thanks..I glad to hear your opinion.

Liana this is the only time and last time I will write about you or to you or whatever. So please read and hopefully you wil understand a little where I am kind of soming from. Okay so you say you want to talk to me and come to an ''agreement''..what the hell do you mean by an ''agreement''? and also if you wanted to talk so bad then why don't you do anything to confront me. You never know..I could listen or just blow you off but at least you tried and maybe didn't succeed but you tried. There is more but that is all I need to say. That is all I want to say. That will have to do for you.

For the commenter *for whom I know who it is* that leaves all those mean comments..please stop and you aren't really hurting me or getting to me because if you call my website gay then why do you come to it and comment in it and read it. If you are so big and bad then why don't you come to me and confront it. I not annderstanding why you do it and I jsut don't know what I did to you but please stop. You don't hurt me and you ever will so I ask you nicely to please stop? Please?

Okay so that is all I have for you right now but as I think day by day I will have more and keep you posted. Thank you for reading.